I’m conflicted, perhaps as conflicted as I have ever been. Part of me wants the whole divorce thing to be over so I can get on with my life without all the sniping & rubbish that is currently going on. Part wishes I could apply this new red-pill knowledge and rescue the whole thing. I’m pretty sure the latter is not an option now. Am also not sure I have the skill-set/belief to actually do the rescue. Another part doesn’t want to even try – to run away from it (not exactly red-pill). So, again the conflict. Now the lawyers are involved. Impending house sale & all that kind of stuff. I suppose that until the decree absolute, it is all rescue-able. I guess it’s the whole uncertainty thing rearing its head. I’ve always been someone who likes action. Figure out what to do & focus on executing it. Uncertainty drives me up the wall.
To one of my buddy’s continuing frustration, I really don’t care too much about the money aspect. In the UK, the law appears (though I may change my views here) much more equitable to all parties than in the USA. My lawyer has been through the process himself, so is – for a lawyer – a font of great, practical advice and reassurance. I suppose reality will hit when I’m living in a 2 bed apartment rather than the, somewhat, palatial pad we have now. Its strange how the small things take on significance. What will I do with the bike if I don’t have a garage? What will happen to all the home gym kit we currently have – it won’t fit in a new place? I have to stop myself thinking about material stuff. I read Alan Clark’s diaries and he talks about it all being “ashes”. Material things don’t make you happy, so must focus away from this stuff. I’m determined that one of the benefits of divorce will be a simplification and de-cluttering.
A corollary to the money thing is that Mrs MD now has a decent income. The prospect of being cleaned out of working capital is less than it would have been 5 years ago – when she was a stay at home mum. Due to the structure of one of my businesses and the income extraction strategy that our accountants had us implement, her income (PAYE) is approx 5 times mine. The balance can apparently be regarded as risk capital which the courts may disregard (or de-weight). Don’t you just love the government? It would be a rich irony if I got alimony (I can but dream). My age (50) is also, apparently, a positive factor in ensuring I don’t get screwed. I guess we’ll see.
I am very fortunate to come out of this with 2 teenage sons. I am determined to remain an active part in their lives. If nothing more than to guide them through to being men and fulfilling their full potential (and possibly avoiding the mistakes that I have made). I am concerned how this is all going to affect them – short and long term. Custody conversations are on-going. Soon to be ex Mrs MD is a total control freak and wants to have them during school days to “minimise disruption to them”. This is all crap, as she works full time and needs to go away on business a fair amount. Am not going to be a convenient baby sitter for her. She is using this as a foil to control all aspects of their life (food, relationships, homework, what they watch, what games they play). I shudder to think what this will do to the boys. Her mother was a control freak. Treated her like a child even when she was in her 30’s.
The lawyer – I said he was a good guy – suggested a more alternating custody: her 2 week days; me 2 week days & alternating weekends. I had been thinking week-on week-off. His suggestion has a number of benefits in that there is some degree of certainty if friends come round or outings etc. Only one needs to be consulted based on day of the week. A friend who is doing all this with his ex & kids recommended an app called Cozi. This allows shared calendars and more. Could be a good thing to investigate and make the task of coordinating the boys a little easier (one for the list). Whatever I want/she wants, the boys are old enough to express an opinion which will be taken into account by the courts so watch this space.
So on the positive side of things; the prospect of replacement therapy! At the moment this is a little way off. Although I have had some fun encounters (on-line & offline) that encourage me somewhat – a flirt here & there. I now have 6 followers on one of the dating sites I’m on. Even though there is no photo and laconic bio. On reading the manosphere stuff, I think I’m going to be OK. Some mantras are coming together as far as dating is concerned. I’ll list them (in no particular order).
- Must get to grips with text speak, emoticons & acronyms (what does “:p” mean?)
- Target divorced women in the 38-45 bracket. Manosphere says avoid them like the plague. While the prospect of boffing some 20-something would be nice, I can’t see it being sustainable. I absolutely don’t want any more kids, nor is it likely I want to get married. Done that, got the t-shirt.
- Need to keep refreshing my wardrobe – I’ve been a bit of a tramp recently. Trying to fix that. It helps I get into London regularly – Jermyn St & Saville row….
- Goto the (home) gym – trying to rebuild the muscle I lost over the past 15 years (and lose my growing middle-aged spread)
- Get out more & see my friends/family
- Get back into my hobbies – get my Instrument Rating, get the guitars out again……
… oh and buy a 911 🙂