Thoughts on divorce

I’m conflicted, perhaps as conflicted as I have ever been. Part of me wants the whole divorce thing to be over so I can get on with my life without all the sniping & rubbish that is currently going on. Part wishes I could apply this new red-pill knowledge and rescue the whole thing.  I’m pretty sure the latter is not an option now. Am also not sure I have the skill-set/belief to actually do the rescue. Another part doesn’t want to even try – to run away from it (not exactly red-pill). So, again the conflict. Now the lawyers  are involved. Impending house sale & all that kind of stuff. I suppose that until the decree absolute, it is all rescue-able. I guess it’s the whole uncertainty thing rearing its head. I’ve always been someone who likes action. Figure out what to do & focus on executing it. Uncertainty drives me up the wall.

On money

To one of my buddy’s continuing frustration, I really don’t care too much about the money aspect. In the UK, the law appears (though I may change my views here) much more equitable to all parties than in the USA. My lawyer has been through the process himself, so is – for a lawyer – a font of great, practical advice and reassurance. I suppose reality will hit when I’m living in a 2 bed apartment rather than the, somewhat, palatial pad we have now. Its strange how the small things take on significance. What will I do with the bike if I don’t have a garage? What will happen to all the home gym kit we currently have – it won’t fit in a new place? I have to stop myself thinking about material stuff. I read Alan Clark’s diaries and he talks about it all being “ashes”. Material things don’t make you happy, so must focus away from this stuff. I’m determined that one of the benefits of divorce will be a simplification and de-cluttering.

A corollary to the money thing is that Mrs MD now has a decent income. The prospect of being cleaned out of working capital is less than it would have been 5 years ago – when she was a stay at home mum. Due to the structure of one of my businesses and the income extraction strategy that our accountants had us implement, her income (PAYE) is approx 5 times mine. The balance can apparently be regarded as risk capital which the courts may disregard (or de-weight). Don’t you just love the government? It would be a rich irony if I got alimony (I can but dream). My age (50) is also, apparently, a positive factor in ensuring I don’t get screwed. I guess we’ll see.

On kids

I am very fortunate to come out of this with 2 teenage sons. I am determined to remain an active part in their lives. If nothing more than to guide them through to being men and fulfilling their full potential (and possibly avoiding the mistakes that I have made). I am concerned how this is all going to affect them – short and long term. Custody conversations are on-going. Soon to be ex Mrs MD is a total control freak and wants to have them during school days to “minimise disruption to them”. This is all crap, as she works full time and needs to go away on business a fair amount. Am not going to be a convenient baby sitter for her.  She is using this as a foil to control all aspects of their life (food, relationships, homework, what they watch, what games they play). I shudder to think what this will do to the boys. Her mother was a control freak. Treated her like a child even when she was in her 30’s.

The lawyer – I said he was a good guy – suggested a more alternating custody: her 2 week days; me 2 week days & alternating weekends. I had been thinking week-on week-off. His suggestion has a number of benefits in that there is some degree of certainty if friends come round or outings etc. Only one needs to be consulted based on day of the week. A friend who is doing all this with his ex & kids recommended an app called Cozi. This allows shared calendars and more. Could be a good thing to investigate and make the task of coordinating the boys a little easier (one for the list). Whatever I want/she wants, the boys are old enough to express an opinion which will be taken into account by the courts so watch this space.

Dating 2.0

So on the positive side of things; the prospect of replacement therapy! At the moment this is a little way off. Although I have had some fun encounters (on-line & offline) that encourage me somewhat – a flirt here & there. I now have 6 followers on one of the dating sites I’m on. Even though there is no photo and laconic bio. On reading the manosphere stuff, I think I’m going to be OK. Some mantras are coming together as far as dating is concerned. I’ll list them (in no particular order).

  • Must get to grips with text speak, emoticons & acronyms (what does “:p” mean?)
  • Target divorced women in the 38-45 bracket. Manosphere says avoid them like the plague. While the prospect of boffing some 20-something would be nice, I can’t see it being sustainable. I absolutely don’t want any more kids, nor is it likely I want to get married. Done that, got the t-shirt.
  • Need to keep refreshing my wardrobe – I’ve been a bit of a tramp recently. Trying to fix that. It helps I get into London regularly – Jermyn St & Saville row….
  • Goto the (home) gym – trying to rebuild the muscle I lost over the past 15 years (and lose my growing middle-aged spread)
  • Get out more & see my friends/family
  • Get back into my hobbies – get my Instrument Rating, get the guitars out again……

… oh and buy a 911 🙂

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Roadtrip – part 2 – aftermath

So … a good weekend away with the guys. I won’t reveal many of the details, even though this blog is anonymous. Well, as much as the internet allows us to be. The rule is “what goes on tour stays on tour”. This, as a male code of conduct, is nothing new. Erasmus was alleged to have written in the fifteenth century “That the eye seeth not, the hart rueth not”. I think he said this as a result of a heavy weekend on tour with Henry; and they wanted to keep the ‘goings on’ below the tiltyard railings.

You see, even Kings can get snarked if found out. Unfortunately not all of us are able to resort to regicide to hush things up! I do like the word snark – the combination of the words “snide” and “remark”. I get a lot of it at the moment from the soon-to-be ex Mrs …. There is always something that can be twisted and used against you. I currently use the brick wall defence. That is: Snark’s used to show displeasure and kindle a row. Since it takes 2 to have a row, and I cannot be arsed, I thus invoke the brick wall defence: “I might as well talk to a brick wall…..” Cowardly or beta some would say but I don’t give a toss.

The key is not to let any information out that can be used against you (or your buddies). Women have an insatiable curiosity about this sort of thing. I suppose it is why, in the past, I used to get a few general questions to try to initiate some sort of conversation about what we did. This then can be used as the start for some deeper, forensic questioning to get all the dirt. Women hope that an accidental slip of a fact or inconsistency in narrative will allow them to open you up. Then they get the gory details. These will then, at best, be trotted out at some future date. Or at worst, if really juicy, be grounds for immediate divorce and start of proceedings…..

Anyway, I digress. We menfolk need and enjoy keeping our roadtrip secrets. I suppose, if you follow the teachings of Greene, Mystery et al, this adds to our male mystique [and get’s em goin’]. I think this unwritten rule is another thing that builds friendships that last decades or even lifetimes. When you get up to shenanigans on tour, trust is a given. In the movie “Meet the Fokkers” Jack Byrnes talks about “being in the circle of trust”. Where men are concerned, this is a binary condition. In or out. Close or on the line might as well be a million miles away.

The circle of trust is not easy to get into. You have to partake of the same things. Words are easy, but the actions are important over time. The result is reciprocity – you trust they trust. Once in, you can literally have the ability to wreck others’ lives by blabbing. Powerful stuff! Not once have I ever felt the need or desire to break the rule in the pursuit of gossip, or being seen to get esteem from “outside the circler’s”. Even if someone really fucked me off & we fell out, the rule survives. It is understood that word soon gets about that you are not trustworthy. If you let one bro’ down you’re likely to let any down. So being ejected from a circle of trust means that no-one will let you into theirs. Nobby-no-mates is the result.

This neatly leads me onto some of the women we met and an observation about the often self-validating nature of their relationships. The circle of trust concept is not something that would be comfortable in their world. It would be manipulated and morphed – shit-tested as needed. The gossip factor and women’s tendencies to solipsism means that few friendships would survive a major on-tour session. There would be the massive gossip temptation to analyse who did what & why. The result is not necessarily a deliberate breach of the circle, but a leak of information into the woman network that is designed to spread information not keep secrets. So basically shag and the world will soon know.

Some may not see that as a problem. These are the ground rules of the circle of trust: If playing away you cannot be dropped in it by your buddies; If not playing away, massive piss-takes – and with tacit permission – the story may be told outside the circle. These are not done for self-validation of the story teller, but rather the bigging up of the subject of the story – a kind of back handed complement in man’s world.

In that spirit, I offer a roadtrip story.

One of the gang & I were accosted in a bar by 2 women. We’d seen them working in the local establishment earlier. It was about by now 1am. Both of them were absolutely slaughtered through drinking. When I say slaughtered, they could hardly string a couple of words together let alone have a conversation. In between one of them whinging about her life and kids (a single mum) and the other having another moan about something or other (I neither remember nor care). They occasionally turned to each other and hugged & said “I love you girl”, “You’ll be a great catch for someone”…. Blah, blah. Classic!

Both were coming on pretty strong to us. One was a 4, the other a 3 thinking they were both 10’s. I never thought about IOI’s much before I got red pilled & separated. This was about as blatant as I thought possible. Consults manosphere check list…..

  • Strong eye contact – check
  • Touching of her hair – check
  • Bit of blushing – check
  • Touching us – check

Looking good!

Then to top it off: Burp. “I wana fuck you…”. Gulp! Turned to buddy & we were pretty sure this was an IOI. It was tempting, but think we could & did do better later. Besides both were heavy smokers. A massive turn-off for me. Like snogging an ash tray.

We mentally passed at that point. Continued to enjoy the attention & had a couple more beers. Does this break one of the 16 rules or other – don’t care. Life is not just a quick shag for me at least.

In the circle of trust this story goes down as a close encounter (of the 3rd kind … cue music….). Did he go back and dally? Did I? I’m not telling

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Roadtrip – part 1 – anticipation

Firstly apologies for the naff title. Well this a blog visited by some of our transatlantic former-colonial brethren & I wanted to provide an international flavour.

The prospect of a weekend away with 3 buddies fills me with excitement and trepidation at the same time. All 3 are exceptionally extrovert and utterly exhausting if last year was anything to go on (the trepidation part). When I say extrovert imagine Bill Burr + Jimmy Carr blended in a testosterone onslaught of base quips, piss-takes and observations on life. Though not to the animal level that I had in my late teens & early 20’s (take a look at Animal House & you’ll get the idea).

I have to say last year I have not laughed so much for such an extended period for decades. It also took my liver about a week of cold turkey to shrink back down to its normal size. It was almost like going back to Uni (there is another blog or 2 on that subject at some point when I find the time). I resolved, this time, to at least take some trainers & shorts so I can try to work off some of the previous nights’ excesses. I also resolved to try to control the drinking – a somewhat futile exercise if everything runs to form.

The interesting thing is that all three appear happily married, though with my “red-pill” outlook on life I see some interesting traits in their relationships. I now understand why they come away on these trips as well. It is a kind of safety valve that all men need (and should have). During my marriage – in times past – my wife never seemed to have a problem with these occasional away days/weekend; she was good enough not to enquire too much what went on “on tour”. Probably as she saw me as a beta wuss or maybe she did actually trust me – who knows?

These days I feel less constrained about what I can do when away. So it will be interesting to see what happens (the excitement part). I was trying to think this morning in my youth how I picked up women (when I jog I brood rather than listen to the inane pound-pound of music). I came to the conclusion that I didn’t really care that much about it & just followed my own path (MGTOW is what it is labelled today). So I will concentrate on having fun with the lads & the red-pill awareness of just being a man. Oh, and be vigilant of women & any IOI’s that may come my way. I am resolute in my intent to approach – made all the easier by the fact it is an away match.

More anon

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Dating sites

subtitled “on the idea of attracting a woman 10 years younger using the internet”

So having joined (anonymously) a number of “dating sites”. Free ones, to be fair at this stage, in an effort to see the lay of the land. There seem to be 3 types of women. At one end a good few land whales (I do believe they are labelled FUB’s in the manosphere) – think I’ll pass. At the other end 20 somethings who are trying to get me to “chat” using some really naff text speak “u wana chat hun?” – Gove has a lot to answer for! These chats seem to be offering some sort of webcam action with, presumably, credit cards emptied at the end (I’m reminded of Bloodnok’s regimental oath “Open your wallets and say after me: “Help yourself”” at this point) – think I’ll pass on these as well.

The middle ground, I have to say, did not initially look too bad. Women of an age and experience who would be a good fun match. You then start to see the red flags. The pets – cats & dogs, the extensive lists of likes & dislikes. The profiles look like there must be some internet dating profile generator for women. “I’m an [optimistic; loving; kind; gentle….] person who wants [to travel; to walk, to dance, to cuddle….] looking for “the one” …..blah blah”. Very few original, striking or amusing narratives.  Photos generally suck as well – out of focus selfies, photos from better times with ex [husband, partner, boyfriend, BFF] badly cropped out using photoshop, photos with kids & pets…  Agghhh

I mean – FFS – ladies if you are paying money on a dating site [or even using a free one – your time & effort have a cost as well] – get a decent photo [men do go initially on looks – sad though we are] and market yourself. If you know the kind of bloke you want – your profile should jump out and give him the “Glaswegian kiss”. You wouldn’t go to party dressed in track suit bottoms, why market your self to thousands of potential “the ones” like this? Otherwise, to quote a manosphere blog, “Smells like cats, dildos, and lonely in there…” – read the Plankton or other blogs for proof.

On the whole, my initial view is that I have decided that fun be the focus of this on-line dating lark. The aim to meet a few women (well those who would demean themselves to reply to my overtures) and go do some fun things – to travel, to walk, to dance…..

Anyone know some good sites?

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Self-indulgent

I’ve read so many blogs on life, relationships etc. What should a man do? What should a man be? How should we act? How should we “chèche la femme” in a world that caters for the young and beautiful – when we are older, wrinkled but filled with wisdom?

Many blogs have I read are a guide for the younger man, the confused man, the effete, the inept. Now at the grand age of 50 (where did the years go by?), with divorce on the (near) horizon, I have decided to try to get my thoughts and philosophy in order. They say each journey starts with a single step – this is mine – to me.

If any one finds this site (in amongst the millions out there) hopefully this will be of some value if not a little light entertainment. I do not claim to be a sage nor qualified to comment on psychology. These are just the ramblings of someone pressing the reset button on their life.

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