Gone fishin’ week 2

Posted on 20th January, 2014 by mandivorced

I’m now deleted from pof.com. I’ve deleted all my other dating accounts for the time being. I’m done. Some of my friends tell me I should play the field – but that is not me. Having found someone I quite like, I want to explore whether there is a relationship to be had. I don’t want any distractions.

The temptation with on-line dating is the candy shop mentality. “Ooo, lets not get too involved here as there might be someone better down the line”. In my life I have found that the grass is rarely greener on the other side. So if you find something good, grab it now, hold on and be prepared to become a teenager again. It’s really a good feeling!

So what have a learned from on-line dating? This is order of importance:

  1. Be a better man. Read the manosphere and get some passions and interests. This is the fundamental that shines through in your profile, your messaging and eventually in your conversations as and when you meet her
  2. Be yourself. If only because it is easier. She will like you, maybe even grow to love you, for who you are
  3. Decide what you want. Only then can you decide what you want in a relationship or a woman
  4. Be flirty and sexual form the start. Relationships start from the sexual. She wants you to find her attractive. The “spark” & “chemistry” she wants springs from flirting. Who cares what you do for a living? It is not looks (well not that much)  but attitude and confidence. You don’t have to drive it hard, it will gain a momentum of its own. When being flirty, suggest, infer, be funny, use metaphors this stands out from the crowd
  5. Do not be crude or lewd – there is too much of this and you are doomed to failure; it comes across as gross and desperate

The guys on return of kings, krauserpua and other are onto something. There are real nuggets in there. You don’t have to apply them verbatim – in fact I would council do not. Things that do work are the things that are naturally human: touching as you talk, humour, escalating (flirting) and listening. These things actually feel natural when you are with someone you quite like. If they don’t, you are not with the right person.

Actually it is all very simple. It is not rocket science. It is a game, the game. I intent to keep applying it. If it doesn’t work there are plenty of fish

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Gone fishin… week 1

Posted on 11th January, 2014 by mandivorced

I’ve decided to use Plenty of Fish as my first real jaunt into on-line dating. The main reason for doing this was the fact that a search in my local area revealed a large number of eligible women. The sign-up was necessary due to the fact that you can only view a certain number of profiles without logging in. This was quite annoying so I bit the bullet. Let me state front and centre I have resolved not to become a player. So here are some early things I’ve learned.

Profile
The initial profile was kept short. I’ve only used a couple of recent full body photos – all doing something (Clothed – important!!!). I decided to take a leaf out of RoK and goodlookingloser and put a hook into the profile. As an experiment it has been quite effective with quite a few women wanting to meet up (Am not going to reveal the lines, as am still using it). I’ve not been overtly sexual, mainly mysterious and different.

It may be due to my demographic, but I have not needed to go for lying or exaggeration. I took that policy decision early on and have been glad, as such is the volume of inbound enquiries the workload is reduced as don’t have the overhead of remembering the lie. In addition, the 2 dates I had this week I’ve had nothing to live up to (both want 2nd dates). Am currently getting a couple of new contacts / day at the moment – and am up to about 30! They normally come in between 6&11pm. Unbelievable as I’m nothing special.

Typically things have panned out as below:

  1. They drop a message saying Hi, or “like your profile or tell me more about…. ”
  2. I normally reply with a thanks and an vague answer. Within a few messages am starting to suggest meeting up – winebar or pub works for me. This sets the frame and qualifies whether they are “tyre kickers”
  3. Phase 3 when a meet up is acceptable to them gets phone # for text/whatsapp contact. Its then easy to to set the agenda.
  4. Get to first meeting within a few days. I always texted  few hours before the meet, to confirm time and the fact they intend to turn  up.

Rules:
Since this topic will be reprised over the coming weeks & months, I wanted to share some initial things learned.

  1. Set yourself some guidelines for what you want. Does not have to be exhaustive. Mine are forming (see below)
  2. Images, most are pretty low quality. This does not stop most of the women getting huge numbers of inbound messages. I now get worried about some who only have a couple of head & shoulder shots (especially if they don’t say they are size 12 or whatever in their profile). Full body shots show they are happy with themselves or not. I also like the ones who put comments (with dates – though one had got photos going back to 1990 – WTF) along with the photos – this way you can see whether they are recent. I’m personally happy with curves, so I can accommodate a wide range. The face has to be attractive to me. The figure has to be hour-glass. Everyone to their own
  3. Most profiles are pretty jaded – almost every one of them has interests as travel, family, drink with girlfriends, gym and loads of pets. They often have boring lives and jobs (so do I probably). This means they’re looking for both love and excitement. I am therefore drawn to interesting things done in their profile or someone who has an interesting/unusual job (so no surprise that they will be drawn to interesting people)
  4. After first contact if they stop asking questions do not resurrect the conversation. If they’re interested they’ll come back – if not plenty of fish….
  5. I’ve found that cheeky or playful short messages get the best response. If you get flirting back they at least are interested, have a sense of humour or desperate enough to move forward. I also love dropping the occasional negs in. They’re very effective in helping build your playful persona.
  6. Get text/whatsapp # within 5-10 messages. This also allows more images to be exchanged if needed plus allows for more detailed/immediate conversation that feels safer than the chat app on the website. Often images are more risque than what would go for public consumption (I will never publish them on line)
  7. The other thing for me is location, location, location. I resolved to not travel more than 30 miles or so. That is about 30-40 minutes. I have a busy life and job, don’t want to spend my life on the motorways

Mistakes
Clearly all has not gone smoothly – let me share what has not gone right.

  • Do not give too much info until the conversation gets going. Even then no life stories and no negative stuff. Had a good looker get away through that. Do not offer information until requested. So when asked what to you do or what are you looking for, be evasive or laconic, you need to have something to talk about if you get to meeting her
  • Text flirting is good, but don’t get carried away – especially if it is early on. Text game is extraordinarily effective and have had to de-commit from what was on offer. It is perfectly possible to get a bang on date 2 or 3 here. I’m not yet alpha or cavalier enough to screw some one over. There seem to be quite a lot of women who have been played – as I said I do not want to look in the mirror and see that guy I have no respect for.
  • There are cougars out there. If they mention the word sex in the first couple of messages beware

What the women all seem to say:

  • They get vast numbers of messages. “Hi”, “U look nice”. Most guys are pumping the numbers out and the women are jaded by the crap they get. If you want a reply be interesting in the messages (even if a first reply)
  • They get plenty of weird stuff, naked images, videos, so no, repeat no images without clothes. There will be time for that later if you get date 5,6,7 and more
  • Most of the guys seem to be betas without a clue. Dull, no conversation, no interests. If you have passion, humour or an great hobby then something for you to talk about. Remember most peoples lives are mundane, they want a man to take them away from it all – even if just for a coffee.

So really, it does not take much to stand out from the crowd. Being a decent guy will get you as much booty as you want or need without being a player. Becoming alpha & getting good at game is a virtuous circle. As you get more interests you become more interesting. Let them discover

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Buying the Hollywood myth

Posted on 3rd January, 2014 by mandivorced

hollywoodI don’t watch TV as much as I used to. I have never been a fan of soaps nor reality shows – especially the fame and talent variety – which seem to dominate the schedules. In fact I can say pretty much that I have rarely ever watched them. These days I’m also cutting back on the news.

I have become rather bored with it all now. Both TV news and newspapers seem to serve up the same themes over and over again. Short term doom never really seems to come to pass. This is nothing new.

In my ruminations for this post I was reminded of a quote “there is nothing new under the sun”. While this post not a religious treatise, you should read the book of Ecclesiastes. It contains wisdom that dates back some 2500 years but still resonates today.

The text can be regarded as somewhat melancholy. Life is meaningless. You are nothing. But there are also some amazing, uplifting insights in it. “A time for everything”. It is also followed by the Song of Solomon – a poem to love for you romantics. This is how men and women should be with each other. Not a PUA. Not a Slut.

She: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.”

So dear reader – you ask, what is he rambling on about? Where is this post going? ….

Well, yesterday I did watch some TV. Man TV! I started with Top Gear. A juvenile, contrived program I know, but a breath of fresh air with its non-PC take on the world. I think Clarkson’s haters on the internet dwarf those of ROK (with their recent viral eating disorders, tongue-in-cheek post). This was followed by a documentary which he [Clarkson] presented on WW2 Convoy PQ17 – that was a man’s world. Not too many babes on those ships methinks.

I switched channels and relapsed with a film I have watched a few times (“mainly in the company of ex-Mrs MD” he pleads in mitigation): Pretty Woman. Difficult to believe that it is nearly a quarter of a century old! On-line sources state that it was originally conceived as “a dark cautionary tale about class and prostitution in Los Angeles”. Hollywood turned it into a high budget chick flick. I now have a new take on it (damn this awakening!!!).

The film shows the AFBB premise to those who care to look. It also shows woman’s nature as well. Now I’m not going to judge prostitution, or what people are prepared to do with their lives. The film’s central messages can be viewed at many levels. Redemption. Pursuit of money at all costs and more. The superficial message is for girls: “I can do anything I want” and still “one day I will find my prince”.

Well let’s prick that last balloon. A rich, high value man might screw a pro, but is unlikely ever to LTR her. I suspect the reason why Pretty Woman 2 was never made was that following access to money & lifestyle, the transformation from Alpha corporate raider to soppy white knight, the sequel would have revealed him quite unattractive to her. Ergo, ex wife, ex dog, ex girlfriend and more. This all has an inevitability from Mr Lewis’ perspective so no sequel there.

mythvsreality
Myth vs Reality

Vivian’s role does not change, she is still screwing men for money; just it is now not illegal. Julia Roberts stated in 2010 “There Won’t Be a Pretty Woman Sequel Because No One Wants to See an Old Hooker”. So even she accepts – subliminally – that the relationship could not last. The sequel here would be a film about a self-obsessed, narcissistic aged hooker trying to find her next tingle. Not surprised that there is no appetite here either (thank goodness!).

Life’s reality is much harsher than the Hollywood myth. Post wall woman finds her monied “Prince” is unlikely to give her the tingles (divorce him & next please). If he does give her the tingles (has game) he is likely to have choices. He won’t be doing much more than a quick dally into slut land (then next please). LTR Pretty Woman style is not one that could succeed in life. Many a chick or AFC white knight might dream about it though.

So does life imitate art or art reflect life? Hollywood, and the media in general, are selling the myth. You need your wits about you.

Who is like the wise?
Who knows the explanation of things?
A person’s wisdom brightens their face
and changes its hard appearance.

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aScent of man

Posted on 22nd December, 2013 by mandivorced

The manosphere is constantly encouraging us to improve ourselves. We evolve through life experience and through relationships over time (Proverbs 27:17 – “As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another”). These facilitate organic,  evolutionary changes. Reflecting on my married life I’m conscious of some of these changes. Diet. Attitudes. When your wife/gf buys you clothes her tastes get imposed on you. I had no real problem with any of this as was never that interested.

I’m now initiating the changes. Clothes are easy. Jackets, jeans & suits. I have a decent watch which serves as my jewellery.

Food is not going to change that much. Like many men I’m a respectable cook and have sufficient intelligence to work the phone in order to get a takeaway if I can’t be arsed to make something myself. 

Philosophy/world view continues as work in progress. Probably until the day I draw my last breath.

Hobbies will get more free time. Amount of time will probably depend on custody arrangements.

This brings me to the topic of this blog post. Do a search on smell and a number articles spring up. From the populist analysis to this and this. One of the things that struck me, directly related to one of my post divorce objectives, is below:bottle

5 A woman’s sense of smell is much stronger than a man’s. It is heightened even more in the first half of the menstrual cycle and reaches its peak when she is most fertile.

Not only is smell an attractor, but it can also elicit an emotional response:

Studies show that 75% of emotions are triggered by smell which is linked to pleasure, well-being, emotion and memory – handy when you want people to buy your products.

So am approaching smell and scent from 2 directions. One from a perspective of changing me, the other on what attracts the opposite sex.

I’ve always worn the same stuff (deodorants, aftershave etc) for the past 25 years. Your basic designer products.  Don’t get me wrong none of it is bad. I, however, decided this part of my new life needs a little revolution.

I discovered this site last year and have started experimenting with products by Creed. They’ve been making high end products since 1760, so I figured they are a good place to start. They exhibit a different level of sophistication when compared to the standard designer stuff I used to wear.

Since the costs are high – the recommendation is that you spend in excess of £90-£100 – it means the perfumer can use the best, most exotic ingredients. It also means you need to make sure you’re buying the correct stuff. Thus I have invested in a number of samples.

These are actually quite powerful and allow you to try a number of different classes of smell. Wood, spicy, citrus and more.  I haven’t figured out finally which ones to go for but am enjoying working through them. I feel really good wearing them. I hope that once I get into this women will notice a bit more as well.

I’ve currently got 5 I’m trying out, and will nip into London to get some more before I commit. What I have found is that the new smells are actually very confidence building.

Will be getting some more empirical results over the coming months – what to buy, what the girls seem to prefer and more

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Game works

Posted on 20th December, 2013 by mandivorced

It really does! If it can work for me it can for anyone. I am no looker, I’m middle aged, not ripped (BMI of 26) but I’m trying to make the best of what I have.quickening

Reading and learning about game is no substitute to running it real life. Running it in real life is invigorating. Almost like a narcotic. I think of it like “the quickening” – if you have seen the movie Highlander you get the picture. It is not just an a method of picking up but really enriches your life. Here are a couple of anecdotes from the past 24 hours to illustrate.

Scene 1 – the coffee shop

I was due to meet a great friend of mine – we have known each other for 30 years! The venue was set at a well known bar in Covent Garden around 6pm. I was running early and he late. London is all glammed up for Christmas – the west end is done particularly well. Even early evening the place is absolutely heaving. Tourists. Office parties. You name it. After wandering around a bit, looking at the sights – and it was also quite cold – I decided to drop into a Cafe Nero for a mug of tea to kill half an hour or so + catch up on some last minute work emails that needed dealing with.

At this point I decided the switch on and just observe what was going on around me; be completely passive & just watch the dynamics. Coffee shops really are a microcosm of life. A couple sat at a table both silently ignoring each other while they facebooked or something on their phones. I was there for 30 minutes and not a word was exchanged – doesn’t bode well for their future. A couple of teenage girls (15-16 y/o) in the queue ahead of me ordering 2000 calories. Some sort of coffee with a pile of cream on it and a large chocolate muffin each; this does not bode well for their figures in the future. Neither looked athletic so FUBs in the making if they were not careful. 

Service in the queue was pretty slow. I tried not to get frustrated at the ineptness of the Baristae. A cute girl comes and joins the queue behind me – a 6 possibly 7. I briefly make eye contact & she smiles. I decide I don’t have time for anything other than get tea, send important emails, meet friend, drink beer. During the 4 minutes or so we wait to get served, she manages to nudge or bump me 2 or 3 times. All accidentally of course. Except I don’t think it was accidental. I pass a comment or 2 to her as I get served and wander off to find a seat.

On reflection I mentally kick myself in the arse for passing an opportunity. She sits down across the other side of the room and occasionally looks over (I think as wasn’t wearing my specs at that point). Still I have a plan for tonight and seeing my friend is important. Besides there are plenty more fish…..

Scene 2 – the bar

Fast forward to the bar. I arrive first so pick a point at the bar and order a couple of beers. If you read my previous diatribes, I try to control my drinking much more now and opt for bottled Sol with a bit of lime in it. I find a perch near the bar and go back into watch mode. Scoping out the women in the bar while I wait for my friend.

There were a couple of office do’s going on and the girls were generally well dolled up. I did not see any obese women, but there were a few who could get that way if not careful in a few years. Right next to me was a woman, voluptuous would be a good description. Curves in the right places (I don’t like them too thin and stick like – but each to his own). When I first saw her she was sporting a gold engagement ring with a fuck off diamond on it. She started chatting to a guy and then went off the the ladies. When she came back – no ring. Lucky guy tonight methinks. 

I start looking around. When I drive I alternate short and long distance observation. This helps get a better mental picture of what is going on and prepare well ahead if there are any problems. I do the same in the bar. Looking from woman to woman to see if there is any eye contact.

Then looking at the more general ebb and flow of people and movement through the bar. It strikes me that there seems to be a cycle. At one stage there are loads of women around and few blokes. Within a few minutes the blokes all arrive and the girls filter away (somewhere). You can then see all the guys look at each other and say – “where have all the girls gone?”. “lets go some place else”. The bar empties and the cycle starts again as new girls arrive. When I pointed this out to my buddy, a bit later on, he was astonished.

wave

We tried to start timing it and then observe the same groups of people within the overall movement. I would say:  “watch this -these girls will be back in half an hour”. And they were. Anyone would think  we were mind readers. But really it was picking up on patterns and cues in behaviour.

So we had a good evening and he said he had to go. I had about three quarters of a beer left so said I would hang around and drink it so he should go. Then it happened. I had not moved from the bar all evening. Two groups came to the bar to order. Each comprised of 3 girls and 3 or 4 guys. The groups were almost atomic in structure. The girls as the nucleus with the guys as beta orbiters in the friend zone.

Of the 2nd group a cute brunette caught my eye. So I thought “will give it a shot”. I made eye contact. I must say it was thrilling when she turned them back on me. Eye fucking a new woman is one of the best things a man gets . We do this for a few minutes. Your pulse quickens. Not sure how the guys she was talking to must have taken that. Imagine trying to get off with a girl while she is scoping out the bar. Now the approach. I never have a problem with this aspect.

I stepped over and said “Boy, you look really bored”. “Yes” she said “I am”. You may not get this from my prosaic written word, but I like taking the piss out of people. Word play and pushing the envelope. We got on like a house on fire. Very intense, close conversation. We discussed her job, what she went for in a man – all that kind of stuff (to be honest I forgot most of it apart from the fact she was some sort of recruitment person – so I implied she kept the shrunked heads of her ex’s in a box under the bed). Brushing her cheek to talk in her ear. Moving her hair out of the way. This stuff is all very natural if you let it.

I got rejected in the end – I think it was mutually engineered. The trigger was when she reached and took my left hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Oh I’m checking for a wedding ring” she said

Ding ding ding ding red alert flashed through my brain – I just read The predatory female . Not interested in being boy friend material after 45 mins of flirting.

“No, I’m divorced” temperature drops down. “I have to go see my friend, I’ll be back” she says. “Bye – see ya”

I leave. This was never going to work out. Logistics, age. She was on the hunt. Not so much me. I really enjoyed the flirt. This is the 2nd time this has happened over the past few weeks. It does wonders for confidence. When a 50 year old divorced bloke can attract a 20 something cute girl in a bar when there are much younger specimens around.

BTW it was not just the girls I ended up chatting with. The guys stared clustering. Is this gravitas being developed? Who knows. Just play the hand that is dealt.As I say,I really enjoyed the flirt. Next time push and escalate further and faster. The old man may still have what it takes! 

So what does this have to do with game? Well confidence and awareness. I’ve been changing my persona and suspect that is starting to project in confidence – perhaps a glimmer of light here. Plus I am much more alert and aware what is going on. 

My message to others – JFDI – its fun. You have to be in the game to win it.

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The tin hat parable

Posted on 17th December, 2013 by mandivorced

ibexWhen I was working for a large American IT company some years back, we got  a new Boss. He was a Texan, newly promoted to come over and “run” Europe. We found out a couple of things very fast:

  1. This guy’s first experience of [or even trip to] Europe was to take this new role on
  2. He wanted to milk the experience, so management meetings were held every month in a different European capital

I write this, not to brag about the “grand tour” [which was epic!] nor to denigrate Texicans, but to discuss the “tin hat” concept. You see the problem with – we shall give him the moniker “Davy” in honour of his state – was culture shock.

This was, to be fair, a bidirectional issue. Davy plainly thought that Europeans were simply Americans with a funny accent. We, on the other hand, were convinced Davy was from an Alien planet. They say the UK & the USA are two countries divided by a common language. Actually the differences go much deeper than how we speak. Attitudes, humour, tact, inter-personal dealings, working with customers and more are massively different. Add the continentals into the mix – who struggle with us Brits – and there was trouble brewing.

After a few months, this was all really getting to me. I did not really mind the boozing my way round Europe. Paris, Prague, Budapest, Munich, Dublin…. and more. We even managed a few global meetings State-side. I got to DC, Baltimore, San Francisco. We even got to Texas – great hospitality there so no complaints on bullet # 2.

I was having a conversation (we’ll call it a whinge) with a good friend who listened to me drone on about my problems with Davy. After a while he offered some sage advice.

He asked me two succinct questions: “Did I want to resign?” Walk away from what was then a 6 digit income. “Could I change Davy?” The answer was an emphatic NO on both counts. We’d had child # 2 at that stage, and Mrs MD was behaving so all was well on the home front. I was absofuckinglutely not rocking this boat – life was mainly very good.

I guess this could be seen as a proto-red pill moment in hindsight. My friend basically told me to put on a metaphorical “tin hat” in reference to WWI trench warfare. To keep in mind my objectives and what I wanted. Let the crap that was raging around me at work bounce off the hat and not get into my head. Some would say I should have walked into Davy’s office and had it out with him, but I judged that too high a risk with somewhat of a low chance of changing the status quo.

Why bring this up? Well, divorce moving forward and play conversation with #1 son. He is versed in the concept of tin hat. He came to talk to me about how unreasonable his mother was being. Making him do this and that, when XBOX was waiting. I guess he was after a miracle cure to his current woes. Our conversation went something like: “Can you change your mother?” No; “Do you want to get into deeper do-do with her?” No. So after a few minutes of whinging he accepted that the best policy remained “tin hat”.

He took it like a man – so hopefully a useful life lesson in making judgements in relationships. Always be clear about what you want (and what you don’t want) and devise a minimum cost strategy of getting it. I thought of a little chart to illustrate the point. What you are prepared to put up with for an easy life:

easy-life

Basically, with women, I have experienced an increasing amount of bullshit you have to put up with. It’s called “give and take” by some. Life tracks up & down the green line and for each issue at hand, there will be the line across which you will not cross. Some things are small, sometimes larger – the line is drawn for each or for all – whatever you need. The tin hat helps move the line a little more up (from blue to red) , but fundamentally there is a halt called. NO! or DIVORCE!

The tin hat works thus (it is mine with her at the moment). Ignore. The brick wall. Do stuff, but in my own time. Drives her mental. What’s the worst she can do – walk out? Divorce me and take all my money?

Life is about little victories. I savour mine.

[Ed: I figured out how to put images in posts – getting to grips with this wordpress stuff]

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the coming financial apocalypse…

Posted on 13th December, 2013 by mandivorced

As I continue to think about and plan my future, and about money. I’m forming a more coherent vision. There are dangers ahead. Some I can control. Some not. In my recent reading and rumination on the content, I offer the following sermon:

I stumbled on the following video. It is fairly alarmist and designed to get you to buy the magazine subscription. What it talks about, and something for our US brethren to digest, is that debt is a problem that is disguised by low interest rates. If all debt is included, then the percentage in relation to GDP is a potentially massive problem.

In the private sector leverage comes in and out of fashion and, when used as a form of business investment, is probably no bad thing. Good business governance should mean that this debt risk can be, on the whole, discounted in my view.

The housing sector in the UK is really peculiar. Fundamentally a small country, with tight planning laws, not enough housing stock and a lot of people chasing them means property values will stay high. Thus personal debt is unusually high. I also discount this factor as people in the UK will always scrimp and save to buy property, so the down side risk is unlikely to be cataclysmic.

Governments do not contribute anything to the wealth of nations [ a nod to Adam Smith]. They, at best, provide a safety net and provide for common things like law and order, defence etc. At worst, people poorly equipped to make decisions squander vast quantities of money. Governments are, therefore, destroyers of wealth not generators.

Following this line of reasoning, anything that runs up debt by squandering money away must be a bad thing. Ultimately the ability to pay its bills [UK government debt] into the future while still squandering money away is a potential problem. So governments will borrow, tax and inflate their way out of their inability to make the right decisions on our behalf.

So why, dear reader [if indeed there are any], is this something to blog about. None of this macro stuff is anything I can control. None-the-less, it will have an impact on me and my loved ones. It is also laden with parables for my life. And, most importantly, I’m not powerless!

The following are truths I will use as tests on all things financial:

  1. A government owns all the money and can pass any laws it wants to get yours when ever it chooses (taxes, levy’s, exchange controls and more)
  2. Politicians are only interested in being re-elected. They do not care about anything other than that (populist policies to get the most votes – ie free money/services)
  3. Only I can put in places strategies to protect my finances and family

So what does this mean for me in a post divorced world? Well, for one thing my outgoings are going to increase while income remains fixed. I need to make provision for 2 houses from the current capital base: I want [am legally required] to provide a house for ex Mrs MD & the kids;  I also need somewhere to live. I need to eat. I need some ‘flash’ money. The key to this is not take on any more, and actually to reduce, debt. By this I mean a mortgage. By this I mean protecting myself in the “apocalypse” to come if interest rates go from 0% to 5% or higher.

So here are 3 rules I will endeavour to rigorously apply:

Number 1 – Minimise and eliminate debt.

This means trying to amicably agree divorce and financial terms so housing can be bought mortgage free using the maximum available capital. It also means mentally taking a step back and “de-materialising” [not in the Star Trek sense] my life; not chasing the materialistic good life. This does not mean living like a Spartan. I do like my luxuries. I deserve my treats and in the brave new world will have absolute discretion to indulge as I like. But I will not go into debt to do it. This means that little or no money will go servicing debt [take note governments!!!!] .

Number 2 – Devise and execute defensive financial strategies

This means what money I do have I will not hand over to others to manage. Financial advisers are in my experience no good. Pension advice is pretty poor. I do not believe pensions are sustainable in their current form. The state pension is not something you can live on and in the future this is unlikely to change. The projections in the video about pensions, I believe, represent a possible future. Even if that is not the case, the management charges and future taxes on what are restricted funds do not make good sense.  I equally do not intend to be destitute in my old age. There are other forms of investments that can provide a rainy day fund and income when (and if) I retire.

Number 3 – no point being the richest man in the whole damn cemetery

Dying with capital is a pointless objective; Shrouds don’t have pockets in them. It is heresy, but eating down your capital is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve provided a firm educational foundation for my kids. But it is up to them to make their way in the world. They need to have their own satisfaction in achievement – not just on the back of “daddy”. Thus I intend to make loads of money and spend it all during my lifetime on my needs. Will I give to charity? Yes. Will I pay the minimum legal taxes I must? Yes. Is this selfish? Somewhat – yes!

End of sermon. None of it may come to pass. Plan for the worst hope for the best.

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Thoughts on divorce

Posted on 8th December, 2013 by mandivorced

I’m conflicted, perhaps as conflicted as I have ever been. Part of me wants the whole divorce thing to be over so I can get on with my life without all the sniping & rubbish that is currently going on. Part wishes I could apply this new red-pill knowledge and rescue the whole thing.  I’m pretty sure the latter is not an option now. Am also not sure I have the skill-set/belief to actually do the rescue. Another part doesn’t want to even try – to run away from it (not exactly red-pill). So, again the conflict. Now the lawyers  are involved. Impending house sale & all that kind of stuff. I suppose that until the decree absolute, it is all rescue-able. I guess it’s the whole uncertainty thing rearing its head. I’ve always been someone who likes action. Figure out what to do & focus on executing it. Uncertainty drives me up the wall.

On money

To one of my buddy’s continuing frustration, I really don’t care too much about the money aspect. In the UK, the law appears (though I may change my views here) much more equitable to all parties than in the USA. My lawyer has been through the process himself, so is – for a lawyer – a font of great, practical advice and reassurance. I suppose reality will hit when I’m living in a 2 bed apartment rather than the, somewhat, palatial pad we have now. Its strange how the small things take on significance. What will I do with the bike if I don’t have a garage? What will happen to all the home gym kit we currently have – it won’t fit in a new place? I have to stop myself thinking about material stuff. I read Alan Clark’s diaries and he talks about it all being “ashes”. Material things don’t make you happy, so must focus away from this stuff. I’m determined that one of the benefits of divorce will be a simplification and de-cluttering.

A corollary to the money thing is that Mrs MD now has a decent income. The prospect of being cleaned out of working capital is less than it would have been 5 years ago – when she was a stay at home mum. Due to the structure of one of my businesses and the income extraction strategy that our accountants had us implement, her income (PAYE) is approx 5 times mine. The balance can apparently be regarded as risk capital which the courts may disregard (or de-weight). Don’t you just love the government? It would be a rich irony if I got alimony (I can but dream). My age (50) is also, apparently, a positive factor in ensuring I don’t get screwed. I guess we’ll see.

On kids

I am very fortunate to come out of this with 2 teenage sons. I am determined to remain an active part in their lives. If nothing more than to guide them through to being men and fulfilling their full potential (and possibly avoiding the mistakes that I have made). I am concerned how this is all going to affect them – short and long term. Custody conversations are on-going. Soon to be ex Mrs MD is a total control freak and wants to have them during school days to “minimise disruption to them”. This is all crap, as she works full time and needs to go away on business a fair amount. Am not going to be a convenient baby sitter for her.  She is using this as a foil to control all aspects of their life (food, relationships, homework, what they watch, what games they play). I shudder to think what this will do to the boys. Her mother was a control freak. Treated her like a child even when she was in her 30’s.

The lawyer – I said he was a good guy – suggested a more alternating custody: her 2 week days; me 2 week days & alternating weekends. I had been thinking week-on week-off. His suggestion has a number of benefits in that there is some degree of certainty if friends come round or outings etc. Only one needs to be consulted based on day of the week. A friend who is doing all this with his ex & kids recommended an app called Cozi. This allows shared calendars and more. Could be a good thing to investigate and make the task of coordinating the boys a little easier (one for the list). Whatever I want/she wants, the boys are old enough to express an opinion which will be taken into account by the courts so watch this space.

Dating 2.0

So on the positive side of things; the prospect of replacement therapy! At the moment this is a little way off. Although I have had some fun encounters (on-line & offline) that encourage me somewhat – a flirt here & there. I now have 6 followers on one of the dating sites I’m on. Even though there is no photo and laconic bio. On reading the manosphere stuff, I think I’m going to be OK. Some mantras are coming together as far as dating is concerned. I’ll list them (in no particular order).

  • Must get to grips with text speak, emoticons & acronyms (what does “:p” mean?)
  • Target divorced women in the 38-45 bracket. Manosphere says avoid them like the plague. While the prospect of boffing some 20-something would be nice, I can’t see it being sustainable. I absolutely don’t want any more kids, nor is it likely I want to get married. Done that, got the t-shirt.
  • Need to keep refreshing my wardrobe – I’ve been a bit of a tramp recently. Trying to fix that. It helps I get into London regularly – Jermyn St & Saville row….
  • Goto the (home) gym – trying to rebuild the muscle I lost over the past 15 years (and lose my growing middle-aged spread)
  • Get out more & see my friends/family
  • Get back into my hobbies – get my Instrument Rating, get the guitars out again……

… oh and buy a 911 🙂

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Roadtrip – part 2 – aftermath

Posted on 27th November, 2013 by mandivorced

So … a good weekend away with the guys. I won’t reveal many of the details, even though this blog is anonymous. Well, as much as the internet allows us to be. The rule is “what goes on tour stays on tour”. This, as a male code of conduct, is nothing new. Erasmus was alleged to have written in the fifteenth century “That the eye seeth not, the hart rueth not”. I think he said this as a result of a heavy weekend on tour with Henry; and they wanted to keep the ‘goings on’ below the tiltyard railings.

You see, even Kings can get snarked if found out. Unfortunately not all of us are able to resort to regicide to hush things up! I do like the word snark – the combination of the words “snide” and “remark”. I get a lot of it at the moment from the soon-to-be ex Mrs …. There is always something that can be twisted and used against you. I currently use the brick wall defence. That is: Snark’s used to show displeasure and kindle a row. Since it takes 2 to have a row, and I cannot be arsed, I thus invoke the brick wall defence: “I might as well talk to a brick wall…..” Cowardly or beta some would say but I don’t give a toss.

The key is not to let any information out that can be used against you (or your buddies). Women have an insatiable curiosity about this sort of thing. I suppose it is why, in the past, I used to get a few general questions to try to initiate some sort of conversation about what we did. This then can be used as the start for some deeper, forensic questioning to get all the dirt. Women hope that an accidental slip of a fact or inconsistency in narrative will allow them to open you up. Then they get the gory details. These will then, at best, be trotted out at some future date. Or at worst, if really juicy, be grounds for immediate divorce and start of proceedings…..

Anyway, I digress. We menfolk need and enjoy keeping our roadtrip secrets. I suppose, if you follow the teachings of Greene, Mystery et al, this adds to our male mystique [and get’s em goin’]. I think this unwritten rule is another thing that builds friendships that last decades or even lifetimes. When you get up to shenanigans on tour, trust is a given. In the movie “Meet the Fokkers” Jack Byrnes talks about “being in the circle of trust”. Where men are concerned, this is a binary condition. In or out. Close or on the line might as well be a million miles away.

The circle of trust is not easy to get into. You have to partake of the same things. Words are easy, but the actions are important over time. The result is reciprocity – you trust they trust. Once in, you can literally have the ability to wreck others’ lives by blabbing. Powerful stuff! Not once have I ever felt the need or desire to break the rule in the pursuit of gossip, or being seen to get esteem from “outside the circler’s”. Even if someone really fucked me off & we fell out, the rule survives. It is understood that word soon gets about that you are not trustworthy. If you let one bro’ down you’re likely to let any down. So being ejected from a circle of trust means that no-one will let you into theirs. Nobby-no-mates is the result.

This neatly leads me onto some of the women we met and an observation about the often self-validating nature of their relationships. The circle of trust concept is not something that would be comfortable in their world. It would be manipulated and morphed – shit-tested as needed. The gossip factor and women’s tendencies to solipsism means that few friendships would survive a major on-tour session. There would be the massive gossip temptation to analyse who did what & why. The result is not necessarily a deliberate breach of the circle, but a leak of information into the woman network that is designed to spread information not keep secrets. So basically shag and the world will soon know.

Some may not see that as a problem. These are the ground rules of the circle of trust: If playing away you cannot be dropped in it by your buddies; If not playing away, massive piss-takes – and with tacit permission – the story may be told outside the circle. These are not done for self-validation of the story teller, but rather the bigging up of the subject of the story – a kind of back handed complement in man’s world.

In that spirit, I offer a roadtrip story.

One of the gang & I were accosted in a bar by 2 women. We’d seen them working in the local establishment earlier. It was about by now 1am. Both of them were absolutely slaughtered through drinking. When I say slaughtered, they could hardly string a couple of words together let alone have a conversation. In between one of them whinging about her life and kids (a single mum) and the other having another moan about something or other (I neither remember nor care). They occasionally turned to each other and hugged & said “I love you girl”, “You’ll be a great catch for someone”…. Blah, blah. Classic!

Both were coming on pretty strong to us. One was a 4, the other a 3 thinking they were both 10’s. I never thought about IOI’s much before I got red pilled & separated. This was about as blatant as I thought possible. Consults manosphere check list…..

  • Strong eye contact – check
  • Touching of her hair – check
  • Bit of blushing – check
  • Touching us – check

Looking good!

Then to top it off: Burp. “I wana fuck you…”. Gulp! Turned to buddy & we were pretty sure this was an IOI. It was tempting, but think we could & did do better later. Besides both were heavy smokers. A massive turn-off for me. Like snogging an ash tray.

We mentally passed at that point. Continued to enjoy the attention & had a couple more beers. Does this break one of the 16 rules or other – don’t care. Life is not just a quick shag for me at least.

In the circle of trust this story goes down as a close encounter (of the 3rd kind … cue music….). Did he go back and dally? Did I? I’m not telling

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Roadtrip – part 1 – anticipation

Posted on 20th November, 2013 by mandivorced

Firstly apologies for the naff title. Well this a blog visited by some of our transatlantic former-colonial brethren & I wanted to provide an international flavour.

The prospect of a weekend away with 3 buddies fills me with excitement and trepidation at the same time. All 3 are exceptionally extrovert and utterly exhausting if last year was anything to go on (the trepidation part). When I say extrovert imagine Bill Burr + Jimmy Carr blended in a testosterone onslaught of base quips, piss-takes and observations on life. Though not to the animal level that I had in my late teens & early 20’s (take a look at Animal House & you’ll get the idea).

I have to say last year I have not laughed so much for such an extended period for decades. It also took my liver about a week of cold turkey to shrink back down to its normal size. It was almost like going back to Uni (there is another blog or 2 on that subject at some point when I find the time). I resolved, this time, to at least take some trainers & shorts so I can try to work off some of the previous nights’ excesses. I also resolved to try to control the drinking – a somewhat futile exercise if everything runs to form.

The interesting thing is that all three appear happily married, though with my “red-pill” outlook on life I see some interesting traits in their relationships. I now understand why they come away on these trips as well. It is a kind of safety valve that all men need (and should have). During my marriage – in times past – my wife never seemed to have a problem with these occasional away days/weekend; she was good enough not to enquire too much what went on “on tour”. Probably as she saw me as a beta wuss or maybe she did actually trust me – who knows?

These days I feel less constrained about what I can do when away. So it will be interesting to see what happens (the excitement part). I was trying to think this morning in my youth how I picked up women (when I jog I brood rather than listen to the inane pound-pound of music). I came to the conclusion that I didn’t really care that much about it & just followed my own path (MGTOW is what it is labelled today). So I will concentrate on having fun with the lads & the red-pill awareness of just being a man. Oh, and be vigilant of women & any IOI’s that may come my way. I am resolute in my intent to approach – made all the easier by the fact it is an away match.

More anon

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